My first good cry

What you are about to see may tell you more than you need to know about me. Namely, I laugh at the expense of other people. I do. I admit it. I am not ashamed of it. It’s just part of who I am. So when my husband showed me this video, I laughed so hard I cried. And then I cried some more. And then I made lemon bars.

Thanks again for all the love and support. It has propped me up in significant ways. Puppies are not here just yet, but last night I did feel two moving around in my dog’s belly. It was amazing and scary like some alien was going to burst forth from her stomach and hold my hand. Promise puppy pics when they arrive. I figure puppy love is best when shared.


PS: this one is another video I watched about 25 times today. If you like 80s stuff (Journey) and baseball (the Yankees), this is awesome. Even if you hate the 80s and baseball, this is a pretty solid parody. Go on and jam out with your bad self. I did.


1 is the loneliest number

Took my Hcg test and it was 1. As I told a friend … it wasn’t 1 million or 1 thousand. It was just 1. Here’s a little secret, I peed on a stick the morning of the test and knew it would come up negative. Made it a little easier to manage the day seeing as my doctor never got in touch with us. What, you ask? That’s right — apparently she doesn’t take faxes on Saturday, so she didn’t know the results until I called her at 7:30 P.M. Is she is a crazy bitch or is she just into torturing people? We think a little bit of both. Alas, there’s nothing we can do except crack open a bottle of wine, enjoy an injection-free morning, and look forward. And look forward we will do.

But, hindsight being 20/20, we have had some thoughts about our process. Firstly, failure was never an option for us. We never thought about it. We never thought IVF wouldn’t work. We thought once we got my eggs and my hubby’s sperm together, the rest would take care of itself. Secondly, because we never expected to fail, we never asked some key questions. Namely: what is the average number of cycles a woman goes through before conceiving? Nationally it’s three. Some women go through IVF more than 8 or 10 times. Some go through it only once. We all go through it for different reasons, but we would have gone in with a different mindset it we had asked about the national average. Of course it’s an average, but looking at three cycles (cost and emotional toll included) is different than expecting only one. Thirdly, at certain points along the way we needed to demand better care. This is not to say our doctor didn’t work to her best ability or the hospital to its, but there were some moments when our doctor treated us like a problem, like infertility, and not a couple dealing with a tough and very personal issue. Friend of ours who went through IVF thought we’d have a different experience because we went to a private doctor not a teaching clinic. Not so. Apparently jaded (at times asshole) fertility docs are everywhere.

Now — what to do next? I have never been so excited to be off hormones. And red wine never tasted so good. Even bad wine tasted like nectar from the gods. I’m hoping the night sweats fade and the leaky va-j-j ┬áis almost cleaned out. Of course, I know many of these symptoms will return when I do get pregnant, but for now I am happy to return to my body with my hormones.

Lots of conversation is to be had as to how we’re going to proceed. We’ll know more once we check in with out doc in person, get a second opinion, and move through the options how we can best build our family. For now, I am throwing myself at the mercy of the best acupuncturist in SF and listening to everything he tells me to do. He’s cheaper than IVF, and I love seeing my mom when I drift off. Not a bad deal.